more admissions

It's 4:24am as I start writing this blog.  I haven't posted in a while, mostly because I haven't been inspired.  It's weird, this inspiration thing, how it comes and goes.

I've been doing some serious introspection lately.  I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing this particular blog entry or where it's going to go, but something about it feels important to do.

So this blog has been all about getting real with my finances.  Along the way I sort of pieced together that being rich (monetarily, but also in the grander sense, like living a life that feels rich and full and free)  is about facing your fears.  I am not sure exactly how I came to this conclusion, but it feels right to me, so I'm going with it.  (We'll see if it works!)

So.  In today's entry, I'm going to write about people who I'm most scared of writing about.  These are people who, for whatever reason, I've given enormous power in my mind.  I feel things towards/ about them that scare me and that I don't want them to know.  Worse than them knowing is the fact that I'm also writing about them on the internet without their permission (and I don't really know these people very well).  This might make them mad, angry, embarrassed, and cause me to be generally viewed as overall pathetic.  

These are very scary thoughts.  It does not feel good to think about people not liking me or being mad at me or feeling uncomfortable because of me.  But I refuse to be held hostage by my own fears any longer.  I'm stronger than what anybody thinks of me, even if they are people who, for whatever reason, I really want to like me.  This is about overcoming a fear of rejection.  And like they say-- those who risk little, get little!  Or no pain no gain.  Or something like that.* 

If you are one of the people mentioned in this blog, and you want me to remove your section, let me know and I will absolutely do it immediately, no comments, no questions asked.  The point is for me to face my fears, not to have things on the internet that make you feel uncomfortable.  I appreciate you being alive, because I am learning so much about myself through this exercise!  I apologize if I offended you in anyway, that was not my intention.  

Ok.  Here we go:

Thoughts I'm scared of admitting to people

 #1.  Morgan H

Morgan is a peripheral friend/ acquaintance.  She is badass and stylish.  She has incredible taste.  I secretly look at her facebook sometimes to get fashion and haircut inspiration, which is always spot on.  She always appears cool and unaffected, and like she knows the perfect thing to say and do.  She is in my circle of friends, but as distant as a movie star.  I'm not even sure if we would have enough in common to be closer friends, or if that's even the point.  She is awesome. 

Why I am scared of writing this:

I'm scared I will look pathetic for admiring her so much.  I'm scared she will feel embarrassed because of me and I don't want to affect people like that.  I don't want her to hate me or think I'm crazy and weird.  



Ok.  Was that so hard?  Yes.  It was.  Really hard.  I feel strange, icily weird and squirmish.  Why?  What is the big deal?  Do I really need to take myself so seriously?  No, I do not.  Really, who cares?  So you like this girl's style.  GREAT!  Why is that so bad?  That is not bad.  That is good.  That is fine.  Also, nobody is taking this as seriously as you are.  You are the only one taking this seriously.  They are only feelings.  Enough.  You are fine.

And, furthermore, so what if somebody doesn't like you?  Really, does everybody have to like you?  No, they don't.  And won't.  So you might as well be yourself. 

Ok, keep telling yourself that.  '

Ok, moving on.

#2:  Aaron L.

So, this person is somebody I have admired from afar for a long time.  I'm totally drawn to him.  He writes for pitchfork and the Washington post.  He's good looking and smart.  I love his smile.  It's not a sexual attraction, but there is some type of attraction there.  One time, he gave me a ride in his car because I had a crush on his roommate.  Might have been the best car ride of my entire life.  I want to do something grand for him-- I want to be rich and give him a million dollars.  I want to write and produce a really incredible album that he loves-- not so that he'll write about it, but maybe so that he will listen to it over and over and somehow be reminded without quite knowing why that he is good and important and necessary and inspiring.   

Why scared:  I feel dorky, silly, stupid, embarrassed-- I have these big feelings towards somebody I barely know.  He will think I am pathetic.

Ok, this is getting easier.  (No, it isn't.  I just read this section over and I feel totally weird and scared.  GET OVER IT!  Getting over it.)

Moving on.

#3  Kathryn H.

Girl from my high school.  We used to be very close.  She was my first favorite singing partner.  Her voice was (is, probably) piercingly melodic and pure.  Hearing her sing is like breathing the freshest, cleanest air after being trapped in a dumpster or a gas chamber (only for your ears).  I hooked up with her boyfriend senior year while they were dating and it ruined our friendship.  It took me years to forgive myself and I'm not sure I ever got over it.  She had a lot of things I wanted back then (not just her boyfriend), and still does.  I remember only the good things about her.  She is perfect in my mind.  I miss laughing with her.  She laughs like a queen.

Why scared:  I am not sure.  I can't figure this one out.  But I know that I am.

I think this exercise is really good for me.

---

Ok.  I think this is good for now.  I'm sure there are other people out there that should be on the list, but I can't think of any off the top of my head right now.  I was going to add my friend Japeth to this list, but for some reason I don't feel as scared about him.  Maybe I will feel differently tomorrow.  

 *I don't know if I actually believe in no pain no gain, because I don't think gaining has to be painful, I just think that's something we're conditioned to believe.  But I do believe that we have to be willing to take risks in order to live the life of our dreams.