this is where it all begins

this is my new blog about becoming rich and living the life of my dreams.  i'm on a quest for riches in all aspects of life:  relationships, spirituality, joy. . . and of course, money.  i'm in the middle of reading "the courage to be rich" by suzie orman, who you may or may not know from the hit television series "money class"  on oprah's television network.  i've always had fantasies about becoming wealthy and having everything i've ever wanted, and although i'm not normally a television-viewer, this show has been a catalyst in motivating me to take these dreams and fantasies to the next level.  (i've been watching the show with my mother, who i'm currently living with.) 

according to suzie, the first step in getting rich  is to have the courage to face yourself and your current situation.  she says that money is like a person-- if we value it and take care of it, then it will come back to us with love and loyalty and abundance.  this totally makes sense to me.  so i said to myself, "self, what is your relationship with money?"  to which i answered myself:  "hey, i have a great relationship with money!  i love money!  wait a second... then where is all the money?"  that's when i realized it was time to take at serious look at my relationship with the green.

turns out, i really don't treat money with as much attention and respect as i thought.  i have a 401K somewhere (where?  i have no idea.  somewhere?) that has who knows how much amount of money in it.  i have a "rough" idea of how much i have in the bank (not as much as i'd like, but more than zero, hey!), and in my wallet (again, not as much as i would like, but more than zero!)  i have no idea what my credit score is and a shaky understanding of my outstanding debts at best.  and to think i considered myself "fiscally responsible"! 

this is the time to get real!  i am going to take a good hard look at my finances and current situation.  i am also posting this blog for any and all people to see, including friends, "frenemies" (i don't really have any enemies, but i have a lot of peripheral friends who i maybe don't feel as comfortable around as i would like) former crushes and flings, whoever.  suzie says that in order to face yourself with courage, you should start telling everybody you know about your financial situation.  let me say, the idea of this terrifies me.

originally, i was planning on writing this as a "ok so i have to level with you email" to my current amazing boyfriend and probable future life partner-- and THAT was enough to induce stomach nausea and a mild panic attack.  knowing that this info would soon be available to everybody and anybody who cared to read it, all my friends and extended family, HIS friends and family, old classmates and co-workers-- whoever might happen to have a bit of curiosity or voyeuristic streak in them (like yours truly)-- made me feel incredibly vulnerable.  "what will they think?"  i said to myself.  "i am going to look so pathetic.  everybody is going to laugh at me.  why does it seem like everybody else can get their life together but i can't?  i am so embarrassed.  i'll never be good enough.  this is horrible."  these and a million other self-loathing thoughts began swirling around in my head, with their suffocating, toxic, infuriating, diseased and pervasively destructive power, threatening to ruin my day, my newfound excitement, and my future financial freedom. 

fortunately (and i think this is the whole point about this exercise) i realized that at the end of the day, i think most people don't really care about my financial situation.  they are either too busy worrying about their own finances, or love me regardless of what my money looks like.  this kind of fear of being exposed and laughed at is really a very narcissistic and self-centered way of thinking-- the idea that everybody would care SO MUCH about my own financial situation, as if they don't have enough on their own plate.

and what about the fact that when it comes down to it, i am an extremely awesome, sensitive, loving, artistic, intelligent and courageous girl!  does that just not matter to me anymore, and if so, when did that stop mattering?  did i wake up and leave my brain in yesterday?  my current financial situation does not define me!  i make the rules and decide who i am, what i am worth and what makes me an honorable person!

i am loving and compassionate.  i treat others with dignity and empathy.  i live with integrity and i seek the truth.  i have just as much a right to walk the streets and fields of earth with the likes of everybody else, regardless of how much money i have or do not have.  i am proud of the decisions i've made in life-- the decisions that have made me who i am today-- and i am excited to be embarking on a quest for spiritual and material wealth.  gotta start somewhere!  no time like the present.

this blog will therefore be a documentation of me on my voyage to riches.  i will be brutally honest with myself and everybody else.  because if i can do it-- as an unemployed 29 year old, living with her mother, no assets, an unknown amount of debt, a very small amount of liquidity, and a big-ass dream-- then anybody can. 

oh, i am also fasting today, in honor of my new life.  maybe it's only psychological, but i think it's going to help.  only mate and kombucha tea.  hello riches!